Undertherose666's Journals

no one will probley read this...

but just in case, ive been gone for a long time. ive changed soo much since ive been on. and its totally rad though. so yeah...i'll try to be more active on here and have fun even if no one cares or remembers me =P

well yeah later kidos

Brooke M.

before knows as Vam( lol how dumb was that!)

Cross my heart-destination

He stepped in one step more and opened his mouth to speak but then closed it not knowing what to say."Is that what you think is that all you think I am doing is drinking?Do you know how hard it is on me!?Do you have any idea?" he paused."I do.When you were sick in Romania!Did you know how hard that was for me!?" really I don't think any of us know how that other felt..."well I do now!But I didn't have liver problems,I didn't colaps in the store and almost bleed to death!I didn't try to kill myself ,I didn't cut myself!!!DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT IS TO HAVE SOME ONE YOU LOVE DO THAT!!" "Yeah right its hard for you !Do you know what I have gone through my whole life!!Do you think I just go and hurt myself for fun couse I want to! I DON'T!!!! I DON'T!!!! I don't want to be like this but I am,I don't now what I am doing while I do it!I don't want to have these marks on my body I DON' T but I do it any ways and I don't know how to stop or why I am doing it in the first place!" "YES YOU DO!You know why you know that you are!I know you do and so do you ,you can't say that you don't!You have a choice ,a choice to do it or not!You don't have to be that way,you don't have to cut your self!" " I don't know what else to do!I can't stop its like drugs to me,I use to be on them and getting through this is harder then drugs couse the drugs are probley what's causing this,I JUST CAN'T STOP NO MATER HOW HARD I TRY!!!!! I HOPE I DIE NOW, just stab me right in the heart cut my wrists!!!" he shook his head"ok I will fucking cutter just role up in a ditch and die!!!I HOPE YOU DIE!!!!!!!!"he yelled back and walked off.Every ones eyes were wide open and their mouths were dropped.I was pissed and my face was full of anger.I looked at them and said frustrated"leave me alone...."and laid down and turned on my side.I don't need this pressure tomorrow is the day...the day I go in.

It came to fast,before I knew it the nurse came in and said"30 more min." I took a deep breath.Every one was there...except for...Ville."why isn't he hear?"I said panicked."I tried to call him but he didn't pick up."Bam said miserably."but I have to go in now!"I held Kaylas hand tight as the nurse came in."its time..."she said putting in a fake smile."Don't leave me...promise you will be here!" I said worriedly and breathing hard."we wont we will be right here when you come back."she said calmly,and let go of my hand.As they rolled be down the hall I taught of what I said to Ville,and I regret every bit of it!ITS TO LATE!! What if I die!!I will never forgive myself!I haven't told him I love hm with all my heart,if I could I would give him the world and every thing in it.He holds my heart!I CAN'T DO THIS!"I can't ,I can't.I CAN'T!" i yelled as I saw the room witch my destination holds.I tried to get up but the nurse held me down."I CAN'T!!" I struggled to get out,"let me go!!!" I yelled I fraught them trying to get free."KAYLA!!!!!" I screamed.All of a sudden the doors bursted open.It wasn't Kayla it was Ville!!"Vam!I'm sorry I didn't mean what I said!" "I know either did I!" " I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!" "I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Sr. you are going to have to leave now"one of the nurses said pushing him out.I stopped fighting them and I just let them take me.If I die at least he knows I love him and I know he loves me.They took me in and put the mask over my face and I drifted off to sleep.

cross my heart-slits

That night,Cloude and Ville stayed...to make sure I wouldn't do any thing.I waited for them to fall asleep.I went in my purse,I always keep a knife,and a sharp one too.I grabbed it quickly and ran to my bed.I started to make slits on my arm.The blood dripped out,drop by drop.Every cut more painfully then the last.But it helped,it helped me realize emotional pain, replacing it with physical.It helped me forget about life, and helped me know I was human that I bleed red,that I am alive,but yet I feel so dead, and cold.That I'm empty inside that I'm hallow on heart.Every slit showing me inside.Reliving that fear that I'm not dead,that I don't bleed black.But yet the scars on my body will remind me,will keep the memories,and will keep the scars on my heart.I don't want to be like this I don't want people to see he cuts on my arms,I don't want etention,its not a cry for love a cry for help!I herd someone move.So I quickly laid down and pretended to sleep.I peeked under my covers.I saw Ville get up and stretched then went outside.I held my bleeding arm tightly and held the knife with my cut arm.He came back in and sat back down.He arched over and buried his head in his arms and let out a bug sigh of frustration."Ville are you ok?" I said as I slid my knife under the pillow."yeah Im alright..." "are you sure?" "yeah...I just need to think...are you ok?" "yeah" he came over and sat down.I moved my arm carefully so he would not see or sit on it.He laid down and put his arm around me.I snuggled my body into his and put my head on his chest.I listened to his heart beat,it was slow and soft.As I listened to his tender heart beat I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up and the room was empty.I sat up and pulled my arm out from the covers and stared at the cuts on my arm.I slowly sawed my finger across them."hey.." I quickly covered my arm up."what's going on?" it was Dunn, Bam, and Kayla."oh hey...wheres Ville?" "I don't know his car isn't here when we got here so we thought he must of gone to a bar,or some thing..." Kayla said and shrugged her shoulders."probley..."I wish I could be at a bar."have you called his cell?" "no not yet...I will now." Bam went out in the hall and called him.He was out there for along time."I wonder what they are talking about?"Kayla tried to listen to what Bam was saying but did not succeed.bam finally came in and had a worried look on his face."what's wrong."Kayla eminently said."Vam,Ville told me about last night..." I knew what he was talking about but I tried not too show it."huh?" "he said last night he felt the knife under your pillow...and he saw your arm.''Kayla let out a shriek.She came over and grabbed my arm."I can't belive it...I thought we were over with this,I thought you were ok" "I am!There is nothing wrong with me.Im just fine." "do you need attention?" Bam said like I was a child."NO! I don't need attention I don't need help!I don't need you guys riding on my back about it!!!" :vam were not trying too,we want to help you..." "I dont need help I am fine!" I wanted to leave but that would be weird in these hospital clothes.Intsead I just went under my covers laying there.firsts my face was full of fury and anger,then it let out and turned sad.I buried my face in and let just one tear fall from my dark eyes."why..." WHY!? Kayla asked why!?Has she even been hear ,does she even know what I have been going through right now! I thought she understood...but she asks why.I didn't answer I just laid there like a cold dead fish."Vam,why did you do it?"she asked again."why...hhmm why.Well I am laying on my death bed hopefully and my mom is dieing and the fucking love of my life isn't even here to comfort me and what seams like is trying to avoid me ...and you ask why?"I shook my head in shame."I...didn't know...that she was dieing...and Ville isn't avoiding you...he just need to think." "yeah im sure he is just thinking...he is probley at the nearest bar by now..." Bam shook his head."hes not,he is right here..." I turned my head and saw Ville standing in the doorway.

cross my heart-needles

When she left.I buried my face into my pillow and cried.Cried my eyes out.I never knew I had that much water in my body to have cried all that out.This was way to much for me...I can't do this.Why don't i just give up.Why can't I just die?! I just want to let go take the burden off my shoulders.Escape from this cruel world.I cant take this any more!!!!"Vam what's wrong?" Ville walked in.I turned me head over and he saw my running make up from my tears.He walked over and sat next to me."darling what's wrong,you were fine befor..." I tried to stop crying but I couldn't."mom...she..."I began it was to hard for me to speak ,to hard to say what has happed.It hurt so much."mom...she...she...she..is going to.....di..di...die" I cried I never stopped..I mean I've cried but not like this.It was none stop it seamed like it would never end.Sadness will never end!

I looked away from him.I hate it when people see me cry!He put his hand on my shoulder then raped his arms around me." I can't belive this is happening to me" I said as I sobbed."why does this have to happen now" I rolled my body into Villes.He gently wiped the tears off my cheek and kiss my forehead.I just wanted to die!WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE!?!?I felt like the end would never come.That this ...endless dark in my life would never leave me.As Ville rocked me in his arms and I wept,I felt no comfort.I just wanted lay down and die.I wanted to feel no pain no longer."Ville,honey can I be alone now?" I asked separating myself from him."oh yes,of course.I love you" he said and let go of my hand.He left and I fell back into my bed.I looked around.I saw used needles in a box near the door.I stared at it crying.I asked the nurse if she could shut the curtains and that I could be alone with no one coming in.She nodded her head and closed the curtains and she left.I got up and slowly waled to the needles.Every step it grew harder to walk.My heart punded hard,but quite like it was falling into my gut.I opened the box and grabbed a needle and walked to my bed.I sat there with it in my hand staring at it.I held it up looking at the long point of it.I brought it down and derived it into my skin.I pulled it out and blood began to drip from it and pored out of my skin.All of a sudden the door flew open.It was cloude with some roses.She was smiling,until she saw the needle in my hand and blood dripping from it.Tears fell from my face,they had black in them from my make up,it was as if I was crying black tears."VAM!!!"her eyes were wide and the red roses she had brought fell from her hands."what are you doing?!"she ran over and Ville came running in too.she grabbed the needle and threw it,then grabbed me arm to see what I did.She squeezed it so hard that she pushed blood from under my skin and it bled out.

The doctor ran in.He took one look at what I did and ran out.He brought the nurse and they had a bunch of things to clean it out."I...I..."I started and tears fell from my face."Don't you ever ,ever do that again!!" Cloude grabbed my shoulders and shook me.I looked up at her and said."I just wanted to be free..."

i hope you liked it,it is a little short but good i hope thank you all.for reading please post a comment!=D

cross my heart-so much hurt

The next thing I knew, a woman was screaming .Blood was gushing out of my head,after every heart beat dark blood ran out.I laid there helpless,when two men picked me up and put me on a stretcher.My mind went blank,they ask me my name,I didn't answer,I couldn't remember.He asked me who's my family."Jake..." I said.No Jake is dead,Jake is dead.I don't know what I was saying.My head was covered in blood,it started to dry and became flaky.They brought me into the emergency room and cleaned my head up and my face.The room blurred and I drifted off.

I woke up and my head was sore.I touched the top of my head and I felt stitching all across it. I fell back on the bed and blew out a gasp of air."oh good your up." the nurse said walking in."were going to need some one to contact." "oh yes in my wallet in my purse there should be a couple phone #s." she went off and called Ville.He brought Kayla and Bam with him."hey darling,what happened.I woke up and you were gone again." "oh well I went to the store...and well" "yeah the nurse told us."Bam nodding his head."yeah you must of token a hard hit on the ground.Do you know why you fell?" Kayla exclaimed."no I don't,and I don't think I really do and it will just make me more scared that I'm going to die." "you are not going to die!!"Ville seamed earitated,and walked off." "what I'd say."I shrugged."uugghh." Kayla said and went after him."I was just playing around."I was worried I said something bad,but I don't see how I didn't really think I was going to die."well this is probley just to much for him Vam.So many things has happened,he cares so much he doesn't want you to die and all.Joking around about this may be a way for you to cope but not him." "hhmmm when did you become so wise?" "Since I met Kayla." "haha,well I guess your right.I didn't know this was so hard for him,I thought it was hard on me..." Kayla came in "he is ok he just over reacted he says.I think all this is getting to his head." "oh well I didn't mean to be like that I was just joking around,I hope he knows that." "yeah I told him that and he knows.He just needs time to think." "I guess right now isn't a good time to ask if I can have a beer..."I said smiling.Every one laughed.I was just joking I really wasn't going to even thought I REALLY WANT ONE!!!But I love them more than any beer,more then life its self,more then any thing(and my family of course too).VIlle walked in and began"I'm sorry Vam I just..." "its ok I didn't mean it like that love,I was just playing around" "yeah I know,I just over reacted." I gave him a kiss,it seamed like we haven't kiss for along time.In about 2 days.

They all left and I was left in the big fully white room,that smelled like old people.I tried to sleep but to much was on my mind.I thought about what is going to happen,was this really going to happen.I am really going to have a liver transplant.Wow I don't know if im ready for this?!Oh crap man,I can't do this!I don't know what to do.I don't want to go in there.Man this is when I really need my father.

My mother came in.She sat next to me and cried."mom what's wrong" I mean this wasn't crying this was sobbing like rivers of tears."Nina this maybe a bad time to set this on your shoulders,but honey I have cancer.The doctor just caught it and.."she paused and tried to hold her tears.She looked away and wiped her red nose with a damp tissue."he said its too late,I'm going to ba staying in the hospital tomorrow until...until...I pass." as she spoke I started to cry.This is too much!!I can't deal with this!!! Why now !?Why does she have to do this to me!!??And why does it happen to me,does god have some thing against me?!What did I ever do to deserve this!?

cross my ehart-break down

The next day I decided to go to my moms and tell her what has been going on.I didn't bother waking VIlle up to come with.On the way there I thought of what I was going to say,how I was going to start it."Mom I need a transplant...no that's to quick"I rehearsed.I went over every thing,her reaction,if she cried every thing.I finally reached her house,I felt nerve take over me.I nocked on the door.She slowly opened it and a smile went across her face when she saw me."hey mom."I said and gave her a big hug."Nina.What are you doing here,I wasn't expecting you or else I would of made some cookies or something." "its alright I don't think this kind of talk is something cookies should be involved"I saw her face go puzzled as i said this."oh what do you need to talk about?" "well I don't know how to really say this..." "Nina you can tell me anything,now what is it?" "well mom a couple days ago I went to the doctors and well they did a blood test and it turns out there is something going wrong in my liver." A sudden gasp went inside her.She turned her head and began to cry.I didn't want to say it was couse of all that beer,that would kill her,I didn't want her to think I was a frailer."Mom don't worry they are getting a transplant for me in about a week." "Nina how did this happen?" "well..." I began then my phone wrung.It was Ville."Vam ware are you?" "I am at my moms..." "oh well I didn't know are you were." yeah its alright don't fret I'll be home soon." when we hanged up I changed the subject to keep me from having to tell her I am an alcholic."Mom there is nothing to worry about I will be fine."I said calming."yes I know,but you are my child I love you.I can't bare to have someone I love as much as you to get hurt.With your father dieing and now this its to hard.This year has just been to hard."Her eyes were filled with tears,her voice was full of sadness."Im going to be alright,its just a little bump in the road,we always manage,we have been through so much were not going to let this change anything." she smiled and gave me a hug."well I'm sorry mom but I have got to get going now.I love you."I gave her a hug and kiss then left.

On my way home I started to think of what could happen.'what if every thing isn't going to be alright?What if I do die,what if I go back to beer and drugs?WHAT IF!?' the what ifs that we all say,what ifs never do anything.There not going to help me with coping through all of this,but instead they made me scared.Scared that something horribly wrong is going to happen.As I passed by many bars I longed for a cold beer.I wanted to pull in and have just one drink,but I knew it was wrong.That I told every one that I wasn't going to do this.When I passed Zamoras the earge got so strong I actually pulled into the parking lot.I sat in my car holding back to go inside.I stared at the big sigh saying"Zamoras the best beer in town!" I finally made my mind up and pulled out and hurried home away from all this.Since Kayla and Ville pored all the beer down the drain or put it some ware I could not get.I walked in the door and went straight for my bed.I fell on it and laid there thinking"why me?why me?" really why did this happen to me why does every thing happen to me?! Never to any one else but me...as I thought about this I thought about Kayla,Ville,Bam,every one.How was this effecting them?What was going through their mind?VIlle head popped in through the door with a spoon of ice cream in his mouth."what's wrong sweetheart?" "oh nothing just my life is falling apart..." "its not falling apart,its just another bump in the road that we have to go over" that's what I just said to my mom...and its true...I think."well why are there so many for me,I see these people that there life is s perfect so great." "well there not as tuff as you.In life if something wrong goes their way they wont know how to handle it,but you will this is just making you a better person." I guess..." "you guess?I know...like you said were going to get through every thing is going to be alright dont worry."I smiled and he offered me his spoon full of ice cream.I took it and popped it my mouth and we laughed together.Bam Kayla and Dico came over.About 15 minutes later Burton and gas popped over.We all watched a movie.I went in to get some more popcorn and Dico came in."you how you doing? fine" that's good." I reached up to get a bowl and Dico ran over"oh no here let me get that for you." "uuhh thanks." When I went to get a drink Ville ran up and got it for me.When the movie was over went to put it away but Gas grabbed it and did it for me.Every one wasn't treating me the same like I was a little dangly girl that couldn't do anything her self.They weren't treating me the same.Me and Bam never had prank wars anymore,we use to have them every day!Kayla will never let me cook any more...Ville gets every thing for me...its getting annoying.I think there treating me different couse I have liver problems.But why I mean im the same person.I don't act any different then I use too...do I?

S got up and started breakfast.I hurried and ate then left the food out for Ville when he wakes up.I went out to the store to get some more milk and crap.I was walking into the frozen food section when my legs gave out.I fell to the ground,I herd my head smack onto the hard tile.I just couldn't move.I didn't know what was going on.The I saw blood coming from my head.I tried to yell or speak but I couldn't.I don't know what happened!

cross my heart-untitled

When I went to check in they first had me do a doctors check up.They did the usual,made me pee in a cup blood tests...I rather not talk about that.As I waited I noticed a girl...she kept looking at me.She was about my age.She walked over and sat next to me."so why are you here?"She asked me with a shy tence voice."alcoholic...you?" I said ashamed."same here I just got out today...but I could not help but notice how sad you look." "oh...well I have gone through allot,thank you."I turned my head in annoyance."oh...as have I,Im sorry I didn't mean to be..." "its ok you meant nothing by it.My name is Vam."I help my hand out for a shake."Cloude"she smiled and shook my hand.We talk for awhile,then she had to leave,she gave me her phone# since we had so much in common it would be nice to hang out.I waited with Ville and Kayla...when the doctor came out his face did not look calm."Ma'am...when we tested your blood,we found out you have a problems with your liver."I felt my heart slide down my gut.I felt tears come but I held it back."we specifically did a blood test for something like this.Im very sorry." yeah right he wasn't sorry...I cloud tell in his voice it was not sad or not happy it had no emotions.I looked over at Ville and Kayla...they were crying.Why wasn't I...I felt like I had to but I just didn't.The doctor said he could get a transplant for me in a week or 2 depends how far away it is.

Right when I got home I called cloude even though
I barley knew her I felt like I need to call her first."WHAT!! Wow! Im so, so sorry!I am going to be right over there what's you address?" "696(hehe) soundgarden RD." what a cool address isn't it!He drove right over.She ran in and went right to my side.Right when she sat next to me I began to cry...it all came out.It was like I was waiting for her to let it all out.She listen every word,she helped me feel hope.I just met here and I feel like I have known her for years.The more I talked to her the more comfort I felt,till I was on the ground laughing till my gut bursts opened.She was telling me some random things and I just burst out laughing.When the phone wrung.Ville slowly handed it to me with a concerned look."hello?" "Miss.Nina we have a liver for you! we will be able to do the surgery in 10 days." The nurse said on the other line.Some reason that did not give me any comfort.I told Ville he called Bam and Kayla they called every one else so the word was out and befor i knew it every one was over at my house.I introduced every one to cloude and they all instantly became friends with her.After awhile it became very silent,every one was just staring at the ground.When I saw VIlle...he had his head buried in a pillow,he turned his head and I saw little spots of tears.I guess he was crying...I went over to his side and whispered "I'm going to be alright.The nurse said I can have the surgery in 10 days,its all going to be ok." "I no,but what if its not!?what if some thing happens,WHAT IF YOU DIE!?" "then you will just have to get through life with out me,what ever happens we will get through." it seams like that's some thing he would say to me,instead of me saying it to him."well what if this next 10 days is the last i get to spend with you?" "then we will have to make the best,even though its not going to be the last 10 days." Ville lifted his head up and lifted one eye brow."guys were going to need some time alone..." and he smiled evilly with shifty eyes.Every one has a smile across there face."so why don't we just have a bunch of fun these next 10 days"I said and jumped up and clapped my hands.

That night we did every thing fun we could think of.We played games,watched movies,swam in the pool,went to Bams and Kaylas for hot tubbing every thing you could think of.We were having s much fun until...I snuck in the kitchen to get a drink of water,then there it was sitting there on the counter waiting for me to drink it.Was a beer.I slowly reached for it forgetting every thing that had happened that day,every thing around me revolved around that bottle of beer.I slowly grabbed it and opened it quickly.I typed it to my mouth,and let it slide down my throughout."VAM!!" Kayla walked in."huh,what!?" I was so surprised I forgot what I was doing.She grabbed the bottle and pored it down the drain,Cloude came in and shook her head.She walked into the bathroom.Every one else came in to dry off and get changed.When Ville saw the open bottle of beer he took my arm and pooled me in the living room."vam.what are you doing you said you would not drink any more?" "why can't I just a little bit its not like I'm drinking every second of my life." "Vam,can you at least wait until you get the transplant,you don't have to quite completely just like 2 a day or some thing." I sighed and then I agreed with him.I wanted that beer so badly!But I knew that's what they wanted for now,I don't know how long I can go with out it...wait I guess that means I am a hard alcholic then....WHAT!!??

cross my heart-alcolic

I woke up at about 2pm.I walked into the living room rubbing my eyes.As I looked up every one was staring at me."um what's going on?" every one was silent."well umm im going to get a beer..." I started to walk into the kitchen but got cut off."Vam we need to talk..."Kayla said with no emotion showing."um ok...about what?" "you drinking problem.It becoming worse.You are even drinking more then Ville.It need to stop befor something happens,we know there is something wrong going on." my eyes went narrow."WHAT?!I don't have a drinking problem,nothings going on!IM FINE!" I yelled and stormed out the door.

At first I didn't know were to go.Still I saw Zamoras.I quickly ran across the street in front of cars making them hit their brakes so fast you could here the rubber off the tiers skid across the pavement. .I could swore I herd people cussing at me.I quickly ran to the bar"give me anything strong" I said quickly and started banging softly on the counter.He handed me a drink and looked at me puzzled.I gulped it down then held it out for him to give me another.As I drank thoughts rushed through my mind.I could not fix my mind on one thing,until I remember what Kayla said...'I don't have a drinking problem...do I?'I thought to myself.'no,you don't they don't understand,they dont know what I have been through.?' I lied to myself it seamed to be working too.I drank my thoughts away,drank my problems away.

When they cut me off,I walked to the store and got a case of beer,I drank it in the park.I was slammed.I pass a group off guys.Forgetting I was married and about my only love,I began to flirt with them,and play with them.I brushed up against one of them,when I heard"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"it was Bam and Ville.Ville grabbed my arm.I pushed it off and yelled in there ears"GO AWAY!I DON'T NEED YOU!! LEAVE ME ALONE!"Bam grabbed me and threw me in the car.I struggled to get out then they pushed me back in.I forgot I could unlock the doors.I banged and screamed yelled hit punched kicked all the way home.When we got home I was pissed,I yelled at every one.I stumbled around the house trying to get to the cellar to get some wine.When Kayla fallowed me down and tried to keep me form drinking.I struggled for a bottle pushing her to the ground.She pushed me back and grabbed the bottle and threw it at the wall braking it.She grabbed another and threw it"VAM! I can't do this I don't want you to do this to yourself!!" "IM NOT DOING ANY THING!YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE LET ME BE AT PEACE!"I grabbed a battle and tried to open it.She pushed me down."VAM!Don't do this you don't see what you are doing!You know what this stuff can do to you!You are going to kill your self,I don't want you to die,I don't want anything to happen to you!I care about you Vam we all do."I paused,suddenly it came clearer...I began to relies what I was doing.I drooped the bottle.I felt tears rushing down my face.I could not stop crying,I think it all got to me,it all caught up to me.At my father funeral I held my tears back.Ever since my father died I have held anger back held tears back.I tried to teach my self not to cry.But I guess when I was drunk it all came out non stop.Kayla helped me up the stairs.I saw Mige and Linde sitting next to Bam.Dico and Dunn.I felt ashamed,I tried to hide my face from every one.

We talked for hours,it seamed like every one was crying or trying not too,except me.I don't know why I should be the only one crying but I wasn't.I hate to cry but some times its hard to hold it.When Ville said...he wants me to go to a rehab center.I didn't want to,but I knew its what he wanted.I didn't want to give up drinking,I just wanted to cut back on it.This all was happening to fast...I was really a hard drinker,I was really an alcoholic!I really had problems.What happened to that perfect little girl,that never did any thing wrong,played with dolls had tea parties with her girlfriends.Then played army,and super hero with her guy friends...what append to daddies lil girl!...She grew up,got into drugs and alchole...quite drugs after years of abuse then got married and became and alcholic!!! NO!!! I didn't want to be that...im not going to live to see my own child!I want to live and explore the world!!!Not if im going this!I need to stop...or at least cut back.

cross my heart-drunk(the returne)

I woke up in the middle of the night to my heavy breathing and damp hot face.I turned to my side looking out our bay window,with the moon staining back at me.I got up and slipped my red silk robe on and walked into the kitchen stepping on the cold hard tile.I reached into the fridge to get a nice cold beer,when my mother and father rushed through my mind.I leaned agents the counter as I thought of them.My eyes suddenly ran to the calender and I saw that it was the day the adopted me.I went into the living room and streched out on our soft black velvet couch.I laid there for a second then herd Ville voice"hey Vam you ok?" I eminently sprang up."oh yeah,I'm fine just having trouble sleeping" "oh...well..I'm gonna go back to bed,how about you?" he said as he yawned like a lion."hm..I'll try I guess."I said and walked in with him.He instantly fell back asleep,but I...laid there again.I struggled to find a comfortable place.I flopted on my back then my side and to my stomic and all.I staired strate up at the ceeling.Thinking of my parents,and then my birth parents,my brother jake.The past memeries of my home befor I was adopted...how they treated me and Jake.Just thinking about it made me saddened but full of rage.Hours went by and I still could not sleep.So I decided to get up and take a shower.I let the hot water run across my body like a water fall.I standed leting run across me for what seamed like hours.I got out and dried my body and instently raped my slef around my robe.I didn't bother with make up or cantacts.I just wore my glasses,I brushed my hair out and put it up out of the way.I went down staires into the celler and opend a bottle of red wine,and sat out on our up staired porch.The sun was just about to rise,it was beautiful.Rays of the sun shot through the cloudes like angels falling from the hevans.I grew into a trance of the beautiy,my eyes wide,a smile across my face.I haven't seen the sun rise for so long,usualy i'm sleeping of a hang over or I went to bed at 4 am and woke up at 3 pm.I was hit into reality from the sound of the fromt door flying open.

" oh hey guys." I said walking in.It was Kayla and Bam with Dunn fallowing behind them."hey love" Kayla said and gave me a hug."hey Dunn hows it going?"I said and gave him a peck on the cheek."well..its going,at least."he said lighting a ciggy."you guys are here early." Ville said walking in and rubbing his eyes."oh yeah,well the dogs went crazy at the paper boy and woke us up,so we figured to go here even if you wern't up" "well thats nice to know were the head house." "haha yeah and Aishya and Jussi want some "ALONE TIME" Bam said evening making the quote marks."oohh I see!" Dunn walked into the bathroom and Ville suddenly turned to me"Vam hunny how bout you out a little more clothes on..." he said and he kiss my cheeke."why?" "well um Dunn just broke up with Katie and he is probley looking for more then friendship with girls right now....and well...you know" he said making his eye grow wide."oohh yeah...I'll be right back"I said and darted into the bedroom.I threw on the closest clothes to me.I hurried to the frdge to get another beer,as I tiped it to my mouth Ville stoped me."its to early,you have had to much this morning."and he grabbed the bottle from my hand.My eyes narrowed and I grabbed it back and gulped it down."babe..." "you are telling me to stop drinking!? Who is the king of alchole here!? You drink way more then me EVEN BAM!! Mayba even more then me and him put together! and you are telling me to stop,its to early...that i've had enough!!"I yelled out...why was he telling ME I should be telling him and when I do he never listens...he doesn't have any buissness to tell me to stop..its to early...I had to much.I stormed into the living room.Every ones eyes fixed on me and the bottle of beer in my hand.Ville walked in slowly and sat next to Bam."Vam...don't you think you have had enough this morining?"Kayla said with Villes same idea."I don't need this!I don't need you telling me what to do! telling me when I have had enough!I don't meed any of yu right now,espeshly today I DON"T NEED THIS BULL SHIT I HAVE GONE THROUGH ENOUGH OF IT!!" I screamed and ran out the door.I drove to the nearest bar.I drank and I drank"hey there little lady I need to cut you off there...you have had to much.Its not even noone yet."the bar tender said and gave me the bill.I was to tiered and drunk to even bother getting mad.I took out a 50 dallor bill and gave it to him"kee...keep the change Mr."I slured.I stumbled down the streat forgeting I had a car good thing to should neveDRINK and DRIVE.I triped over a rock and passes out on the curb.Next thing I knew was I woke up in a police car.

"you got one call!" I called Villes cell"Ville baby,come get me out of jell...it horable here they make you eat poop!"I was still drunk."JELL!"I herd Kayla yell in the background."ok we..we will be right there hold on." he hanged up the phone but I didn;t relise it "hello ? HELLOOOO?!hmmm bastard."I said and hanged the phone up well I tried to I missed the recerver.Finaly Ville and Kalya came and picked me up."Vam!WHat the hell do you think you're doing!" Ville said as he drove me back home."uumm....I'm breathing!Thats what I think." "uuggghhh!"Ville grouned.He carried me back to bed and i slept the rest of the day.

we are the damned-damilya returnes

He froze.He didn't talk at all,all he did was hang up the phone then sat down,didn't even say anything."what's wrong."Kayla said puzzled with a fake expression on her face.Ville shot back into reality,and looked up slowly."some one broke in to my lair." every ones mouth droped and you could see there dazling white fangs,with there eyes wide and full of shock."we better go then."Bam said grabbing Kaylas arm."yeah we better get down there and see what happened." Vam said holding her hand out to Ville.He grabbed it and she pulled him up.They ran quickly to Bams car.They got there in about 5 min.Ville flew through the door.His eyes grew wide at the sight of his home,it was trashed.Books every ware chairs and tables tipped over.Pages ripped out of his note books,peaces of broken glass on the cold hard ground.Ville steped in ,with the sound of glass crushing under his shoes.He looked around then looked up at Bam.His eyes were stunned at the sight.Ville looked back down then he quickly sprung his head back up.He looked around then ran into his bedroom.He shot open drawers,and threw his pillows up running his eyes across the room.His eyes scarce,"oh no.oh no.SHIT!!"he said as he banged his head and his fists on the soft bed."what happed."Bam said as he walked in.Ville looked up,"they took it,they took it all.They took my notes,my songs,my poems,my addresses,my numbers,my journals,my money.It all was in that, ALL of it!!."he said full of rage and anger...and still the sound of worry."it all was in that black box.All of it and now its gone...did you notice they didn't take any thing else...but that" Bams face went narrow."so..that means." "that means they have your number your address...they have Vams and Kaylas,Hexina, Lolinds, and Victorias "Ville said and got up from his knees." as Vam and Kayla came in."Ville,im..so ..sorry."Vam said with pity."don't be you did nothing....and I do think I know who it is.""I know..but I still can be sorry...I don't want things like this to happen to people I...love."she smiled as she said love.Ville looked up.He looked down and blushed.Bam looked at Kayla and raised his eyes brows.

Lolind and Hexina came in.When Hexina saw Vam and Ville together her eyes fell and she looked away every ware but in there derction."man Ville im so sorry..I don't know what I can do." Lolind said and sat next to Vam eye balling here and she scooted into Ville more feeling uncomfortable and unsettle with Lolind looking at her like that.Ville put his arm around her.He looked at Lolind and cleared his voice,"um...Lolind can you kinda back off." "oh um...sorry."he said and took one more look at Vam as he got up and sat next to Hexina."so what are we going to do about this?"Victoria said breaking silence,"well we got to figure out who it is first."Hexina replied."Well I kinda think we all know who it probley is."Ville said raising an eye brow."why would she do it though...do you think she is planning on doing something to us?" Lolind said with a scared shake in his voice."well she did take my addresses."Ville said as he swayed his head in Lolind direction."well what should we do about it then?"Kayla said with her face crunched."maybe we should go out of down?" Lolind suggested."hm...but what if she goes through our houses."Hexina said looking around. " well we should be together so nothing happens to any one.Like every one need at least one person with them at all times."Ville said strongly."I don't want any thing to happen to any one."his voice softened."well were are we all going to stay?" Kayla said looking at every one with her shoulders shrugged."what about...well who has the most space." every one looked at Bam."what..."

"man why does every one have to be at my place?"he wined to Kayla."Bam,you got the biggest place,and probley the safest since you have other all those locked and chaines and a big gate!" "...fine but im not buying the beer..or blood" he said shaking his head."why..?"Vam said looking up."you people drink so much we have to get another pack ever hour." "so...Ill help...here i have a dollar buy the good stuff." "ooh yeah a dollar ppsshh that really helps!"he said throwing his arms up with the dollar in his hand.Then he stuffed it into his pocket.They got to his place and spread out in his house."BAM!! Wheres your vodka and fresh blood!?"Vam yelled as she raid through his fridge.He walked over and pushed her aside then quickly grabbed a bottle of vodka and a black bottle of blood and handed it to her with a blank face,"oh thank you love."she said with a big grin on her face."hey were out of beer...im going to get some more." Vam said reaching in the empty budwizer box."ok be careful."Kayla said as Vam went out the door.she drove off when Ville remembered."shit she isn't suppose to go alone."he got up and called her cell phone.It wrung once and he heard the tune of her ringtone play on the table."eh,shell be ok what are the chances." he said and shrugged it off.An half an hours whent by and she wasn't back,soon and hour then 2."guys Ism worried about Vam she has been gone awhile..."Kayla said with a scared worry look in here eyes."yeah me too.Should we go look for her?"Victoria said worriedly too."yeah we-" Lolind started but then Vams phone began to wring.Ville jumped up and grabbed it."hello!?"he yelled in hopes it was Vam on the other line."hello hehe."Damilya hissed.Villes eyes narrowed and his eyes began to fill with rage."what the fuck have you done with Vam!?"He yelled with rage as he herd Vam screame that was full of pain and hurt."oh don't worry about you little girl friend here she is safe with me.Just trying to keep Rathe off of her is the problem."she said as she giggled."leave her alone she did nothing don't bring her into this!" "oh she is in it now haha,you know what I'm going to do with her...the same thing I did with you but this time I'll actually get to do it with out any one stopping me!!"said laughed like a witch then hanged up.Every one was on there feet.Villes eyes were full of fear and hate."we got to go NOW!"

sorry if i the spelling is bad...i cant remeber if i did spell check or not

well hope you like it

luv all

vam -brooke