yeha like fuck it

 He stepped in one step more and opened his mouth to speak but then closed it not knowing what to say."Is that what you think is that all you think I am doing is drinking?Do you know how hard it is on me!?Do you have any idea?" he paused."I do.When you were sick in Romania!Did you know how hard that was for me!?" really I don't think any of us know how that other felt..."well I do now!But I didn't have liver problems,I didn't colaps in the store and almost bleed to death!I didn't try to kill myself ,I didn't cut myself!!!DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT IS TO HAVE SOME ONE YOU LOVE DO THAT!!"  "Yeah right its hard for you !Do you know what I have gone through my whole life!!Do you think I just go and hurt myself for fun couse I want to! I DON'T!!!! I DON'T!!!! I don't want to be like this but I am,I don't now what I am doing while I do it!I don't want to have these marks on my body I DON' T but I do it any ways and I don't know how to stop or why I am doing it in the first place!" "YES YOU DO!You know why you know that you are!I know you do and so do you ,you can't say that you don't!You have a choice ,a choice to do it or not!You don't have to be that way,you don't have to cut your self!"  " I don't know what else to do!I can't stop its like drugs to me,I use to be on them and getting through this is harder then drugs couse the drugs are probley what's causing this,I JUST CAN'T STOP NO MATER HOW HARD I TRY!!!!! I HOPE I DIE NOW, just stab me right in the heart cut my wrists!!!" he shook his head"ok I will fucking cutter just role up in a ditch and die!!!I HOPE YOU DIE!!!!!!!!"he yelled back and walked off.Every ones eyes were wide open and their mouths were dropped.I was pissed and my face was full of anger.I looked at them and said frustrated"leave me alone...."and laid down and turned on my side.I don't need this pressure tomorrow is the day...the day I go in.
 

It came to fast,before I knew it the nurse came in and said"30 more min." I took a deep breath.Every one was there...except for...Ville."why isn't he hear?"I said panicked."I tried to call him but he didn't pick up."Bam said miserably."but I have to go in now!"I held Kaylas hand tight as the nurse came in."its time..."she said putting in a fake smile."Don't leave me...promise you will be here!" I said worriedly and breathing hard."we wont we will be right here when you come back."she said calmly,and let go of my hand.As they rolled be down the hall I taught of what I said to Ville,and I regret every bit of it!ITS TO LATE!! What if I die!!I will never forgive myself!I haven't told him I love hm with all my heart,if I could I would give him the world and every thing in it.He holds my heart!I CAN'T DO THIS!"I can't ,I can't.I CAN'T!" i yelled as I saw the room witch my destination holds.I tried to get up but the nurse held me down."I CAN'T!!" I struggled to get out,"let me go!!!" I yelled I fraught them trying to get free."KAYLA!!!!!" I screamed.All of a sudden the doors bursted open.It wasn't Kayla it was Ville!!"Vam!I'm sorry I didn't mean what I said!" "I know either did I!"  " I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!" "I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Sr. you are going to have to leave now"one of the nurses said pushing him out.I stopped fighting them and I just let them take me.If I die at least he knows I love him and I know he loves me.They took me in and put the mask over my face and I drifted off to sleep.

 That night,Cloude and Ville stayed...to make sure I wouldn't do any thing.I waited for them to fall asleep.I went in my purse,I always keep a knife,and a sharp one too.I grabbed it quickly and ran to my bed.I started to make slits on my arm.The blood dripped out,drop by drop.Every cut more painfully then the last.But it helped,it helped me realize emotional pain, replacing it with physical.It helped me forget about life, and helped me know I was human that I bleed red,that I am alive,but yet I feel so dead, and cold.That I'm empty inside that I'm hallow on heart.Every slit showing me inside.Reliving that fear that I'm not dead,that I don't bleed black.But yet the scars on my body will remind me,will keep the memories,and will keep the scars on my heart.I don't want to be like this I don't want people to see he cuts on my arms,I don't want etention,its not a cry for love a cry for help!I herd someone move.So I quickly laid down and pretended to sleep.I peeked under my covers.I saw Ville get up and stretched then went outside.I held my bleeding arm tightly and held the knife with my cut arm.He came back in and sat back down.He arched over and buried his head in his arms and let out a bug sigh of frustration."Ville are you ok?" I said as I slid my knife under the pillow."yeah Im alright..."  "are you sure?"  "yeah...I just need to think...are you ok?"  "yeah" he came over and sat down.I moved my arm carefully so he would not see or sit on it.He laid down and put his arm around me.I snuggled my body into his and put my head on his chest.I listened to his heart beat,it was slow and soft.As I listened to his tender heart beat I drifted off to sleep.

 I woke up and the room was empty.I sat up and pulled my arm out from the covers and stared at the cuts on my arm.I slowly sawed my finger across them."hey.." I quickly covered my arm up."what's going on?" it was Dunn, Bam, and Kayla."oh hey...wheres Ville?" "I don't know his car isn't here when we got here so we thought he must of gone to a bar,or some thing..." Kayla said and shrugged her shoulders."probley..."I wish I could be at a bar."have you called his cell?"   "no not yet...I will now." Bam went out in the hall and called him.He was out there for along time."I wonder what they are talking about?"Kayla tried to listen to what Bam was saying but did not succeed.bam finally came in and had a worried look on his face."what's wrong."Kayla eminently said."Vam,Ville told me about last night..." I knew what he was talking about but I tried not too show it."huh?" "he said last night he felt the knife under your pillow...and he saw your arm.''Kayla let out a shriek.She came over and grabbed my arm."I can't belive it...I thought we were over with this,I thought you were ok"  "I am!There is nothing wrong with me.Im just fine."  "do you need attention?" Bam said like I was a child."NO! I don't need attention I don't need help!I don't need you guys riding on my back about it!!!"  :vam were not trying too,we want to help you..."  "I dont need help I am fine!" I wanted to leave but that would be weird in these hospital clothes.Intsead I just went under my covers laying there.firsts my face was full of fury and anger,then it let out and turned sad.I buried my face in and let just one tear fall from my dark eyes."why..." WHY!? Kayla asked why!?Has she even been hear ,does she even know what I have been going through right now! I thought she understood...but she asks why.I didn't answer I just laid there like a cold dead fish."Vam,why did you do it?"she asked again."why...hhmm why.Well I am laying on my death bed hopefully and my mom is dieing and the fucking love of my life isn't even here to comfort me and what seams like is trying to avoid me ...and you ask why?"I shook my head in shame."I...didn't know...that she was dieing...and Ville isn't avoiding you...he just need to think." "yeah im sure he is just thinking...he is probley at the nearest bar by now..." Bam shook his head."hes not,he is right here..." I turned my head and saw Ville standing in the doorway.

 When she left.I buried my face into my pillow and cried.Cried my eyes out.I never knew I had that much water in my body to have cried all that out.This was way to much for me...I can't do this.Why don't i just give up.Why can't I just die?! I just want to let go take the burden off my shoulders.Escape from this cruel world.I cant take this any more!!!!"Vam what's wrong?" Ville walked in.I turned me head over and he saw my running make up from my tears.He walked over and sat next to me."darling what's wrong,you were fine befor..."  I tried to stop crying but I couldn't."mom...she..."I began it was to hard for me to speak ,to hard to say what has happed.It hurt so much."mom...she...she...she..is going to.....di..di...die" I cried I never stopped..I mean I've cried but not like this.It was none stop it seamed like it would never end.Sadness will never end!

 I looked away from him.I hate it when people see me cry!He put his hand on my shoulder then raped his arms around me." I can't belive this is happening to me" I said as I sobbed."why does this have to happen now" I rolled my body into Villes.He gently wiped the tears off my cheek and kiss my forehead.I just wanted to die!WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE!?!?I felt like the end would never come.That this ...endless dark in my life would never leave me.As Ville rocked me in his arms and I wept,I felt no comfort.I just wanted lay down and die.I wanted to feel no pain no longer."Ville,honey can I be alone now?" I asked separating myself from him."oh yes,of course.I love you" he said and let go of my hand.He left and I fell back into my bed.I looked around.I saw used needles in a box near the door.I stared at it crying.I asked the nurse if she could shut the curtains and that I could be alone with no one coming in.She nodded her head and closed the curtains and she left.I got up and slowly waled to the needles.Every step it grew harder to walk.My heart punded hard,but quite like it was falling into my gut.I opened the box and grabbed a needle and walked to my bed.I sat there with it in my hand staring at it.I held it up looking at the long point of it.I brought it down and derived it into my skin.I pulled it out and blood began to drip from it and pored out of my skin.All of a sudden the door flew open.It was cloude with some roses.She was smiling,until she saw the needle in my hand and blood dripping from it.Tears fell from my face,they had black in them from my make up,it was as if I was crying black tears."VAM!!!"her eyes were wide and the red roses she had brought fell from her hands."what are you doing?!"she ran over and Ville came running in too.she grabbed the needle and threw it,then grabbed me arm to see what I did.She squeezed it so hard that she pushed blood from under my skin and it bled out.

 The doctor ran in.He took one look at what I did and ran out.He brought the nurse and they had a bunch of things to clean it out."I...I..."I started and tears fell from my face."Don't you ever ,ever do that again!!" Cloude grabbed my shoulders and shook me.I looked up at her and said."I just wanted to be free..."

i hope you liked it,it is a little short but good i hope thank you all.for reading please post a comment!=D

 The next thing I knew, a woman was screaming .Blood was gushing out of my head,after every heart beat dark blood ran out.I laid there helpless,when two men picked me up and put me on a stretcher.My mind went blank,they ask me my name,I didn't answer,I couldn't remember.He asked me who's my family."Jake..." I said.No Jake is dead,Jake is dead.I don't know what I was saying.My head was covered in blood,it started to dry and became flaky.They brought me into the emergency room and cleaned my head up and my face.The room blurred and I drifted off.

 I woke up and my head was sore.I touched the top of my head and I felt stitching all across it. I fell back on the bed and blew out a gasp of air."oh good your up." the nurse said walking in."were going to need some one to contact." "oh yes in my wallet in my purse there should be a couple phone #s." she went off and called Ville.He brought Kayla and Bam with him."hey darling,what happened.I woke up and you were gone again." "oh well I went to the store...and well" "yeah the nurse told us."Bam nodding his head."yeah you must of token a hard hit on the ground.Do you know why you fell?" Kayla exclaimed."no I don't,and I don't think I really do and it will just make me more scared that I'm going to die."  "you are not going to die!!"Ville seamed earitated,and walked off."  "what I'd say."I shrugged."uugghh." Kayla said and went after him."I was just playing around."I was worried I said something bad,but I don't see how I didn't really think I was going to die."well this is probley just to much for him Vam.So many things has happened,he cares so much he doesn't want you to die and all.Joking around about this may be a way for you to cope but not him."  "hhmmm when did you become so wise?"  "Since I met Kayla."  "haha,well I guess your right.I didn't know this was so hard for him,I thought it was hard on me..." Kayla came in "he is ok he just over reacted he says.I think all this is getting to his head." "oh well I didn't mean to be like that I was just joking around,I hope he knows that." "yeah I told him that and he knows.He just needs time to think."  "I guess right now isn't a good time to ask if I can have a beer..."I said smiling.Every one laughed.I was just joking I really wasn't going to even thought I REALLY WANT ONE!!!But I love them more than any beer,more then life its self,more then any thing(and my family of course too).VIlle walked in and began"I'm sorry Vam I just..."  "its ok I didn't mean it like that love,I was just playing around" "yeah I know,I just over reacted." I gave him a kiss,it seamed like we haven't kiss for along time.In about 2 days.

 They all left and I was left in the big fully white room,that smelled like old people.I tried to sleep but to much was on my mind.I thought about what is going to happen,was this really going to happen.I am really going to have a liver transplant.Wow I don't know if im ready for this?!Oh crap man,I can't do this!I don't know what to do.I don't want to go in there.Man this is when I really need my father.

 My mother came in.She sat next to me and cried."mom what's wrong" I mean this wasn't crying this was sobbing like rivers of tears."Nina this maybe a bad time to set this on your shoulders,but honey I have cancer.The doctor just caught it and.."she paused and tried to hold her tears.She looked away and wiped her red nose with a damp tissue."he said its too late,I'm going to ba staying in the hospital tomorrow until...until...I pass." as she spoke I started to cry.This is too much!!I can't deal with this!!! Why now !?Why does she have to do this to me!!??And why does it happen to me,does god have some thing against me?!What did I ever do to deserve this!?

 The next day I decided to go to my moms and tell her what has been going on.I didn't bother waking VIlle up to come with.On the way there I thought of what I was going to say,how I was going to start it."Mom I need a transplant...no that's to quick"I rehearsed.I went over every thing,her reaction,if she cried every thing.I finally reached her house,I felt nerve take over me.I nocked on the door.She slowly opened it and a smile went across her face when she saw me."hey mom."I said and gave her a big hug."Nina.What are you doing here,I wasn't expecting you or else I would of made some cookies or something." "its alright I don't think this kind of talk is something cookies should be involved"I saw her face go puzzled as i said this."oh what do you need to talk about?" "well I don't know how to really say this..." "Nina you can tell me anything,now what is it?"  "well mom a couple days ago I went to the doctors and well they did a blood test and it turns out there is something going wrong in my liver." A sudden gasp went inside her.She turned her head and began to cry.I didn't want to say it was couse of all that beer,that would kill her,I didn't want her to think I was a frailer."Mom don't worry they are getting a transplant for me in about a week."  "Nina how did this happen?"  "well..."  I began then my phone wrung.It was Ville."Vam ware are you?" "I am at my moms..." "oh well I didn't know are you were." yeah its alright don't fret I'll be home soon." when we hanged up I changed the subject to keep me from having to tell her I am an alcholic."Mom there is nothing to worry about I will be fine."I said calming."yes I know,but you are my child I love you.I can't bare to have someone I love as much as you to get hurt.With your father dieing and now this its to hard.This year has just been to hard."Her eyes were filled with tears,her voice was full of sadness."Im going to be alright,its just a little bump in the road,we always manage,we have been through so much were not going to let this change anything." she smiled and gave me a hug."well I'm sorry mom but I have got to get going now.I love you."I gave her a hug and kiss then left.

 On my way home I started to think of what could happen.'what if every thing isn't going to be alright?What if I do die,what if I go back to beer and drugs?WHAT IF!?' the what ifs that we all say,what ifs never do anything.There not going to help me with coping through all of this,but instead they made me scared.Scared that something horribly wrong is going to happen.As I passed by many bars I longed for a cold beer.I wanted to pull in and have just one drink,but I knew it was wrong.That I told every one that I wasn't going to do this.When I passed Zamoras the earge got so strong I actually pulled into the parking lot.I sat in my car holding back to go inside.I stared at the big sigh saying"Zamoras the best beer in town!" I finally made my mind up and pulled out and hurried home away from all this.Since Kayla and Ville pored all the beer down the drain or put it some ware I could not get.I walked in the door and went straight for my bed.I fell on it and laid there thinking"why me?why me?" really why did this happen to me why does every thing happen to me?! Never to any one else but me...as I thought about this I thought about Kayla,Ville,Bam,every one.How was this effecting them?What was going through their mind?VIlle head popped in through the door with a spoon of ice cream in his mouth."what's wrong sweetheart?" "oh nothing just my life is falling apart..." "its not falling apart,its just another bump in the road that we have to go over" that's what I just said to my mom...and its true...I think."well why are there so many for me,I see these people that there life is s perfect so great."  "well there not as tuff as you.In life if something wrong goes their way they wont know how to handle it,but you will this is just making you a better person." I guess..." "you guess?I know...like you said were going to get through every thing is going to be alright dont worry."I smiled and he offered me his spoon full of ice cream.I took it and popped it my mouth and we laughed together.Bam Kayla and Dico came over.About 15 minutes later Burton and gas popped over.We all watched a movie.I went in to get some more popcorn and Dico came in."you how you doing? fine" that's good." I reached up to get a bowl and Dico ran over"oh no here let me get that for you."  "uuhh thanks." When I went to get a drink Ville ran up and got it for me.When the movie was over  went to put it away but Gas grabbed it and did it for me.Every one wasn't treating me the same like I was a little dangly girl that couldn't do anything her self.They weren't treating me the same.Me and Bam never had prank wars anymore,we use to have them every day!Kayla will never let me cook any more...Ville gets every thing for me...its getting annoying.I think there treating me different couse I have liver problems.But why I mean im the same person.I don't act any different then I use too...do I?

 S got up and started breakfast.I hurried and ate then left the food out for Ville when he wakes up.I went out to the store to get some more milk and crap.I was walking into the frozen food section when my legs gave out.I fell to the ground,I herd my head smack onto the hard tile.I just couldn't move.I didn't know what was going on.The I saw blood coming from my head.I tried to yell or speak but I couldn't.I don't know what happened!

 When I went to check in they first had me do a doctors check up.They did the usual,made me pee in a cup blood tests...I rather not talk about that.As I waited I noticed a girl...she kept looking at me.She was about my age.She walked over and sat next to me."so why are you here?"She asked me with a shy tence voice."alcoholic...you?" I said ashamed."same here I just got out today...but I could not help but notice how sad you look."   "oh...well I have gone through allot,thank you."I turned my head in annoyance."oh...as have I,Im sorry I didn't mean to be..."  "its ok you meant nothing by it.My name is Vam."I help my hand out for a shake."Cloude"she smiled and shook my hand.We talk for awhile,then she had to leave,she gave me her phone# since we had so much in common it would be nice to hang out.I waited with Ville and Kayla...when the doctor came out his face did not look calm."Ma'am...when we tested your blood,we found out you have a problems with your liver."I felt my heart slide down my gut.I felt tears come but I held it back."we specifically did a blood test for something like this.Im very sorry." yeah right he wasn't sorry...I cloud tell in his voice it was not sad or not happy it had no emotions.I looked over at Ville and Kayla...they were crying.Why wasn't I...I felt like I had to but I just didn't.The doctor said he could get a transplant for me in a week or 2 depends how far away it is.

 Right when I got home I called cloude even though
I barley knew her I felt like I need to call her first."WHAT!! Wow! Im so, so sorry!I am going to be right over there what's you address?"  "696(hehe) soundgarden RD." what a cool address isn't it!He drove right over.She ran in and went right to my side.Right when she sat next to me I began to cry...it all came out.It was like I was waiting for her to let it all out.She listen every word,she helped me feel hope.I just met here and I feel like I have known her for years.The more I talked to her the more comfort I felt,till I was on the ground laughing till my gut bursts opened.She was telling me some random things and I just burst out laughing.When the phone wrung.Ville slowly handed it to me with a concerned look."hello?"  "Miss.Nina we have a liver for you! we will be able to do the surgery in 10 days." The nurse said on the other line.Some reason that did not give me any comfort.I told Ville he called Bam and Kayla they called every one else so the word was out and befor i knew it every one was over at my house.I introduced every one to cloude and they all instantly became friends with her.After awhile it became very silent,every one was just staring at the ground.When I saw VIlle...he had his head buried in a pillow,he turned his head and I saw little spots of tears.I guess he was crying...I went over to his side and whispered "I'm going to be alright.The nurse said I can have the surgery in 10 days,its all going to be ok." "I no,but what if its not!?what if some thing happens,WHAT IF YOU DIE!?" "then you will just have to get through life with out me,what ever happens we will get through." it seams like that's some thing he would say to me,instead of me saying it to him."well what if this next 10 days is the last i get to spend with you?"  "then we will have to make the best,even though its not going to be the last 10 days." Ville lifted his head up and lifted one eye brow."guys were going to need some time alone..." and he smiled evilly with shifty eyes.Every one has a smile across there face."so why don't we just have a bunch of fun these next 10 days"I said and jumped up and clapped my hands.

 That night we did every thing fun we could think of.We played games,watched movies,swam in the pool,went to Bams and Kaylas for hot tubbing every thing you could think of.We were having s much fun until...I snuck in the kitchen to get a drink of water,then there it was sitting there on the counter waiting for me to drink it.Was a beer.I slowly reached for it forgetting every thing that had happened that day,every thing around me revolved around that bottle of beer.I slowly grabbed it and opened it quickly.I typed it to my mouth,and let it slide down my throughout."VAM!!" Kayla walked in."huh,what!?" I was so surprised I forgot what I was doing.She grabbed the bottle and pored it down the drain,Cloude came in and shook her head.She walked into the bathroom.Every one else came in to dry off and get changed.When Ville saw the open bottle of beer he took my arm and pooled me in the living room."vam.what are you doing you said you would not drink any more?"  "why can't I just a little bit its not like I'm drinking every second of my life."  "Vam,can you at least wait until you get the transplant,you don't have to quite completely just like 2 a day or some thing." I sighed and then I agreed with him.I wanted that beer so badly!But I knew that's what they wanted for now,I don't know how long I can go with out it...wait I guess that means I am a hard alcholic then....WHAT!!??